It's all about my Mom

This post is dedicated to my Mother. She died almost 6 years ago of small cell lung cancer, or the smoker's cancer. It was an ugly, painful death. No one should die like that.

She was born Ruth Floretta Graham in Fort MacMurray, Alberta. She had at least six siblings. Her father moved the whole family to Victoria when Mom was in elementary school. At 16 Mom quit school to stay home and look after the youngest sibling, as her Mother had just had too much and ended up in a mental hospital for a short time. My guess is that Granny was suffering from the baby blues in spades. My Mom hated school so she volunteered to stay home.
As soon as possible, Mom got work, still 16, as a taxi dispatcher. But her real dream was to join the armed forces and see the world. That's exactly what she did at 18. Below is a picture of her, at 18. I'm assuming she has just finished basic training in this picture and is getting ready for her first posting.

I love this photo. She looks like she has the world by the tail. I know that she had big dreams, travelling the world. She had no plans to marry or have children. She had spent all the years before, looking after children, doing things that she didn't enjoy. I think this is likely the most happiest time of her life. I'm so happy to have this photo.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way you want. My Mom met my father and because of the time, she took a risk and ended up pregnant. Below is a picture of my brother's baptism. My Mother is standing on the left, behind my father, who is holding my brother. When I look at this picture, it makes me sad. I know that this is not what she had planned for her life. And she had big plans. She must have been devistated.

In fact, I know she was devistated. She was able to tell me truthfully how she felt in that last 9 months of her life.

When Mom found her self pregnant, she told me she thought of every alternative. But because of the times, she was forced to continue with the pregnancy. She was also forced to give up her dream of being in the forces, as she married my father, and a married couple could not, at that time, both be in the service. Married, pregnant woman were discriminated against.

And the rest is history. She had two more children, one of them being me. When I became sexually active, or even just maybe going to be sexually active, she scurred me off to the Dr. to make sure that history did not repeat itself. I am grateful to her for that. I only wish I could have lived some of her dreams for her. But it wasn't what I wanted, and I didn't realize what dreams she had until we were able to talk about it at the end. It makes me angry to think of her giving up her whole life for us. And her life was no fairy tale. She did not live happily ever after. She was alone when she died, in that most of the men in her life had let her down. I think they were all scared. Scared of facing up to the truth, scared of listening to what she had to say. My father had been out of the picture for 16 years at that point. I won't even talk about him.

I did what I could for her, but I was angry at her for her drinking and the fact that she had literally smoked herself to death. I wish I could go back and be more compasionate. I did all I could for her physically, but I wish I could have been just nicer. Warmer. More forgiving. If there was a lesson to be learnt, it was that I need to put my judgements aside if I should ever find myself in that place again. Such a horrible way to learn a lesson.

To say my Mom was always bitter and unhappy about the way things turned out would be wrong. I'm sure she found some joy in her grandchildren and friends. Below is a picture taken maybe 18 years ago. We took a whole bunch of pictures that afternoon as Mom wanted to finish up the roll. This is one of them, all three of them had gotten giggly by the time this one was taken.

So, here's to you Mom. Your memory lives on for me. I think of you every day. Some little thing will trigger a memory. When I see something new, or have some new experience, I think, Mom, you would have loved this! Or Mom, what happened there? It's like you are living a happy, healthy life in my memory. It has to be enough. It's all that's left.